A Letter To The Ladies

Dear Ladies,

It was never personal. It was never a designed escape from your comfy, matching, ball and chain. In our long-suffering quest for power slash reluctance to challenge you for any of it, we have turned to something else. In weakness, we were taken by obsession – obsession with Fantasy Football.

It’s fulfilling that we have control over the millionaires that were picked before us in gym class and got all the girls in high school (except the beautiful, smart ones like you). And we now have ways to compete with our friends without having to get all sweaty and smelly! The truth is, we have always been fascinated with control.

Why do men love golf 10 to the umpteenth power times more than we reasonably should? It’s not the escape. Hikes, sporting events, and nights out can get us out of the house. It’s the control factor.

We are infatuated with the idea of being able to control a ball that is three hundred yards away (ya know, on a windy day). Nobody practices putting because moving a ball eight feet is about as impressive as getting to second base on prom night – no one cares. It’s the same reason snipers are the most badass guys in the military. Men want to be able to affect a greatest area possible. It’s a territorial thing.

Fantasy Football gives us the ability to “control” NFL players that are all over the country. It lets us make the same decisions as the rich owners and GMs we fantasize being. It let’s us rationalize our, “See! I should be a GM!” assertions with actual proof!

I understand it can be a frustrating reality – How can you remember the entire NFL schedule but not your son’s soccer schedule? How can you pull out Jacoby Houshama-whoever’s stats when your friends ask, but can’t pull out our anniversary when my friends ask? Why are Peyton Manning’s neck problems more important than mine?

I get it. I really do. These are valid questions. I can’t tell you it’s going to get better. That’d be a lie. We are obsessed. I realize no sane person should care about a game between Jacksonville and Buffalo and “But it’s my kicker!” isn’t an excuse to miss dinner.

I’m not seeking forgiveness for men or a free pass, but just that you know, it’s not you – it’s us. We need this. For those of you who already agreed to put up with a sports fan through sickness and health – this is our sickness. Pity us.

Sincerely,

Under Appreciative Overly Obsessive Male #30890394

This Week In Sports

American League

The Texas Rangers go after their second AL pennant in as many seasons tonight versus the Detroit Tigers. Down three games to one, Detroit sends Justin Verlander to the mound in hopes of playing another day. The Rangers’ timely hitting has been the story in this series with 11^th inning homers in Games 2 and 4.

National League

Those Milwaukee Brewers I was raving about need some help. They are down 2-1 and are sending the devastatingly average Randy Wolf to the mound in St. Louis. Wolf is a “pitch-to-contact” lefty who has been pitching to a little too much contact lately. Albert Pujols has been, well, Albert Pujols (the league’s best player).

The Brewers’ need some magic from Ryan Braun and Prince Fielder. In small samples, Braun has faired well against St. Louis’ Game 4 starter, Kyle Lohse, whereas Fielder has hit well below his career/season averages.

The Brewers boasted the best home field advantage in the league this year and are desperate to get the series back to Milwaukee (Games 6 & 7). They play tonight.

Football

Things to watch weekend:

The San Francisco 49ers travel to Detroit to play the Lions. The Lions are an impressive 5-0 and the 4-1 49ers have surprised everyone. The Lions bandwagon was full before the season began but they have surpassed everyone’s expectations. The Niners’ have had more hype with no results in the last decade than any other team that doesn’t rhyme with the Touston Hexans. Now that only crickets reside on their bandwagon, the team is leading its division by 3 games and has the league’s best run defense.

Oft-injured Lions’ quarterback (former no. 1 pick), Matthew Stafford, has stayed healthy (I knocked!) and put together a fantastic season throwing to wide receiver Calvin Johnson who looks like the best pass-catcher in the league.

Oft-crappy Niners’ quarterback Alex Smith (also a former no. 1) has looked like an NFL QB this year for first time after 6 years of impotence (on the field).

The Packers welcome the pad-statable St. Louis Rams to Green Bay this weekend for what may be Vegas’ highest line of the year.

The most fun game to watch this week should be Sunday afternoon’s game the New England Patriots at the Dallas Cowboys. The Romocoaster is always fun but it will be hard for Tony Romo & Co. to acquire any lead big enough to squander in historic fashion against the Patriots. Tom Brady is well on pace to break Dan Marino’s Single Season Passing Record of 5,084 yards (Granted so are Aaron Rodgers, Drew Brees and rookie Cam Newton, but Brady leads the league), and the Pats lead the league in scoring.

Monday’s game between the New York Jets and Miami Dolphins is forgettable. The Dolphins are in the Suck For Luck Sweepstakes. This year’s NFL Draft (the No. 1 Pick goes to the worst record) prize is Andrew Luck who has been compared to Peyton Manning and John Elway. The Stanford product is scary good and his parents are currently looking at property in Miami, Indianapolis, Minnesota and Denver.

My Arizona Cardinals will do its best not to lose their bye week.

Two That Won't Be Forgotten

In the last week saw the passing of two titans in their respective fields. Two men that have influenced their worlds like few others have. As I’m sure you know, innovator and Apple Co-Founder, Steve Jobs, passed away Thursday at 56. He was an amazing individual who transformed the world we live in. The computer I’m typing on sports an Apple on the cover and the phone in my pocket isn’t an iPhone (used to be) but is similar. The new “smart” world has a lot to thank Mr. Jobs for.

I had actually forgotten he was sick. I hadn’t seen a picture of him in a while and I could not believe the man who was in his final days was the same one who displayed the iPhone and its successors in his famous presentations. I couldn’t believe that was the man who gave this commencement speech in 2005. The world is less creative and innovative without Steve Jobs. We will all miss him whether we know it or not.

Unless you read ESPN.com or reside in the Bay area, you may have missed another man’s passing on Saturday. Al Davis, 82, was the longtime owner of the Oakland Raiders. Since 1962, he has guided the franchise, as a coach, GM, and owner, to 3 Super Bowls and decades of competitive football. He fostered an atmosphere that became the Black Hole.

He was the last remaining owner from the American Football League (merged with the NFL in 1970), and was a key figure in making the NFL what it is today.

He coined the phrase, “Just Win Baby!”

Davis wasn’t the most liked owner. He was probably too hands on and was difficult to work for. He had famous feuds with plays including with former Heisman Trophy winner, running back Marcus Allen. Allen even accused Davis of trying to ruin his career.

He looked strange in his old age. He had looked sick for a long time and dead for the last decade.

Davis was much more interesting than he was likable but his impact on the football should not go understated. His emphasis on speed and athleticism transformed the game.

For all of us that love football on Sundays, the camaraderie, the good times with friends (the money if you work in the service industry) – we owe a prayer, a drink, or maybe just a thanks to the guy that helped us get to where we are.

This Week In Sports

National League

My Arizona Diamond backs lost in a crushing defeat to the Milwaukee Brewers. It was the final deciding game of the series and its best player, 23 year-old Right Fielder Justin Upton, had multiple chances to be the hero and came up short.

The Brewers advance to face the St. Louis Cardinals. The Cardinals beat the heavily favored Phillies to advance to the National League Championship Series.

Sunday, the Brewers won Game 1, 9-6. Monday the Cardinals struck back to knot the series after Albert Pujols went 4 for 5 with three doubles and a home run. The Caridnals won 12-3. They play Game 3 tonight in St. Louis.

American League

The Detroit Tigers beat the New York Yankees last week to set up a series between it and the Texas Rangers. MVP candidate, pitcher Justin Verlander, finally came through after a less than stellar outing his first go around.

The Rangers are up 2 games to one. Nelson Cruz hit a spectacular 11^th inning grand slam to win Game 2 7-3. Cruz’s grand slam was the first game ending grand slam in post-season history. The Tigers cut the Rangers’ lead in half with a win yesterday and play again this afternoon.

With all the corruption that exists in the world how did Milwaukee, St. Louis, Detroit, and Dallas end up as the final four markets left in baseball? Like the economy isn’t bad enough, they couldn’t have ONE of the Philly, New York, or Boston (the three biggest markets and three best teams in the league on September 1^st) markets.

What does this mean?

With the big names out to root for/against, who should you root for?

This one is easy… the Milwaukee Brewers!

Their playoff slogan is “Fear the Beer!”

They have two bonafide stars. One, Ryan Braun, is your big city-swaggy-face guy, who is a rock star in Milwaukee (impressive considering Wisconsin is a football state) and he embraces it . The other is Prince Fielder who, besides having and awesome name, looks like an ewok.

They have never won a World Series and haven’t been there since 1982. This was its first year ever winning its division.

In addition, there is some bad blood and while Nyjer Morgan (A.K.A. Tony Plush) is kind of a douche and drops more F-Bombs than Johnny McEnroe ever did, the potential of him (5’11’’ 175 lbs) getting in a fight with, the best hitter alive, Albert Pujols (6’3’’, 220 lbs) is tough to pass up.

Football

After five weeks, the teams are starting to cement what they are.

The Green Bay Packers are the best team in the league and the only remaining undefeated team. Aaron Rodgers is making a good case for himself as the best quarterback in the league.

The Lions stayed unbeaten and are 5-0 for the first time since 1952.

The “dream team” Eagles are 1-4 and do not look good. Michael Vick gets a lot of credit for his highlights and fantasy stats but he is 1-6 in his last 7 games and his recently signed $100 million contract is starting to be worrisome five games into it.

The Romosexuals out there got to keep their hair this week. The Dallas Cowboys had a bye.

Rookie phenom and this year’s No. 1 pick, quarterback Cam Newton, looks great and is already one of the more exciting players in the league. His team, the Carolina Panthers, is only 1-4 but has been competitive in every game.

My team, the Arizona Cardinals, was down 28-0 after the first quarter. That’s only happened three times since 1970. Nice work guys. Its newly signed $62 million quarterback was benched for Richard Bartel, who has been cut by four teams.

We’ll take a look at the coming week tomorrow.

Story Time

After having dinner at our friends’ house we came back home to get the kids into bed and put a cap on what was a beautiful weekend. Matt did most of the heavy lifting as Di and I spoke about my plans for when my Mom gets here.

She and I will have two small chunks of time allowing for little more than a possible day trip but more likely, just hang out time in Cuenca. No problem though. The first three days she will be here will be Cuenca’s Independence Festival. It supposed to be a big party.

When she returns after her press trip. Which by the way is NOT fair. She will be here for 2 weeks and will be going to the Galapagos and I will have lived here for six months and will have not gone. I guess it’s a symbol of true immersion given that most people that live here cannot afford to go.

My conversation with Di was interrupted by Matt’s relaying Duncan’s wish for goodnight kisses. Hard to say no to that cute little kid. But I have been getting better! Uncle Teddy Bear has become Uncle Grizzly Bear. Or maybe Uncle Hard Ass. The hugs and kisses are a little fewer and farther between but they squeeze just as hard and still light up when I pick them up.

Tonight the kids got extra hugs and kisses. Duncan was down first but Piper had her little backpack on and was looking for Barbie Princess’s friend – Barbie Sideline Reporter or Barbie President, I don’t remember. There are too many to keep track of.

About twenty minutes after the kids were asleep I was deeply entrenched in a game of Words With Friends on Facebook. This game is insanely addicting. It’s basically online scrabble. You play friends one on one. As many games as you want. I’d like to say my vocabulary and creativity are inflicting heartbreak to my friends 3000 miles away but I’ve hit a little bit of a cold stretch. After a ten game win streak I am currently losing seven six (thank god for “RUMMY” on a triple word/letter) of my nine games.

In the middle of being stuck with U-less Q’s and six letter words with nowhere to put them, I hear a knock on the door. It was faint and was at first mistaken for the wind or the sounds of the apartment breathing and creaking as only heard at night. Again there was a faint knock and an even softer voice whispering my name. I got up and opened the door.

Duncan was standing in his red pajamas that are scattered with robots and rockets that protect him from the bedbugs. His face was as red as his pajamas and tears were running down his face. He seemed scared from a nightmare or the strong wind outside making curious sounds.

“Duncan, what’s wrong buddy?” I said, picking him up.

“I can’t go to sleep without a bedtime story,” he muttered wiping the tears away with one hand and hugging me tight with the other.

I brought him back to my bed and held the little guy until the tears dried up.

“Would you like me to tell you a story, bud?”

He nodded, looking into my eyes seeking the comfort he needed before he could fall asleep.

I really don’t like telling stories. I’m not good at it. I ramble (cut to all my friends/readers of this blog nodding…) I’m not very creative on the spot. I get nervous in front of the damn 5 year-old.

But Duncan needed a story more than I needed not to tell a story so I asked him what he wanted it to be about.

“Peter Pan,” he said.

If you have a story telling deficiency like I do, you can usually just ask them questions about what they want it to be about and they will mostly spell it out. But they figure you out after a while. You can only delay for so long.

As Duncan settled in, Peter Pan arrived in London to meet Wendy. It had been a while and Wendy missed Peter dearly. Wendy wanted Peter to see London and her life in the real world. Reluctantly, Peter put on Michael’s clothes and they went out. Peter was less than happy in London and desperately wanted to use that nifty pixie dust that makes him fly.

After walking around town they walked into a Halloween shop. Peter loved the idea of dressing up and saw a pirate costume. Peter thought dressing up like a pirate would be a great way to sneak onto Hook’s ship and fool him so he could steal his treasure.

After buying the costume, he and Wendy flew to Neverland and Pan dressed up and hopped on Hook’s ship, wanting to be part of the crew. As one crewmember had just walked the plank, there was an open spot. After surprising Hook in his quarters and tying him up, Pan snuck down to the treasure room and grabbed the biggest chest he could find.

He brought it up to the deck and ripped off his costume and said, “HA! I fooled you guys again and now I have your treasure!”

Duncan’s eyes looked like it was Christmas morning. I sadly had nothing else. Wendy and Peter Pan flew away with the treasure.

Duncan said he was ready for bed now and asked me to come snuggle with him. He loves his head scratches (who doesn’t?) and they always put him right to sleep.

He said, “I’m gonna close my eyes, because sometimes they sting.”

He grabbed my arm and scooted closer. Within a minute he was asleep.

I waited another minute or so and snuck out of his room feeling accomplished and gratified. It’s nice to know he knows he can come to me when he has a problem or wants a story. It’s nice to know I can give him what he needs to make him feel better. It nice to know he feels more comfortable sleeping if I am there.

Di always says how being around these kids is the best birth control I could ever have. She’s absolutely right.

The kids are chaos. God help the man who invented the play-size drum set, if I ever find him. Eating is never just eating, but a constant struggle to con them into swallowing something that’s not Mac’N Cheese. The alone time is counted in seconds and usually from the bathroom or the shower. But then again, they like to barge in there too.

But more often than not, this peaking into the future (the DISTANT future) is exciting. They are good kids and constantly put smiles on my face. Hearing the “I love you’s,” at bedtime is heart warming and being their jungle gym is fun every single time. I can’t stand when they push the buttons on my computer, but I can strangely flick really hard and so they don’t do that so much anymore.

It’s fun watching them learn and grow right in front of me. It’s fun having them become a part of my life – a part that won’t end in December. It’s fun knowing less Spanish than a blond 7-year-old. It’s fun having in depth talks about fairies. On Friday, we had a house warming party and I introduced them to another little boy. Duncan went up and hugged him. Piper smiled at him and said hello. About 11 seconds later they sprinted upstairs as if the last one to the top didn’t get any treats.

I’ve enjoyed having kids be a part of my life. And I will again. This glimpse has been exciting and scary at the same time. Someday Future Teddy Jr. will be here and I will get to do all these things again. It’s inevitable that someday Future Teddy Jr. is going to want a story too. I only hope that when he comes into my room tearful and story-hunting he pokes Future Mrs. Teddy.

So You Want To Be A Sports Fan?

Now that Fall is here, you may be finding yourself lonely at church or in the cereal aisle on Sundays. Starting in September every year, hoards of husbands, boyfriends, brothers and friends pilgrimage to bars and friends’ houses to watch football each week.

While golf is still living in the 1950’s, football is embracing women like never before with things like the Lingerie Bowl and the Cowboys Cheerleaders’ Calendar… OK, just kidding. Football is still a guy thing but more than a “guy thing,” it’s a fun thing!

Women deserve the right to hoot and holler at the TV, and cheers their friends just like the guys do!

I am here to help open the door.

Football is great sport to follow. It’s only one day a week. It’s better on TV than in person and it’s a fun way to be social – dress down, forget the makeup, and grab a beer.

When the time comes for my future wife to bring me to a cooking class, I am going to need some basics beforehand.

Some of you women are already properly armed. Kudos.

The basics.

Blend In

Pick a team. Buy a jersey. You want to pick a team that is generally supported by the community you live in. Sports are generally team endeavors and so is cheering. Being that obnoxious opposing fan in the bar is a lot of weight to carry and not worth the stress. It’s fun to high five and cheer with your friends or strangers.

Buy a jersey to show you care (Not the pink one!). Be invested. Buy the most popular player’s jersey. If you buy an obscure player’s jersey, you will have to find out who he is, what position he plays, how he is playing this year, and how he played last year. Don’t make it harder than it has to be.

Cheer When Everyone Else Cheers

If you are the only person cheering in a bar or at a friend’s house then it’s obvious you are not quite sure what is going on. I remember awkwardly beginning to sing in church when everyone else was quiet. Who interrupts a priest?

Start off by just cheering when your team scores. Makes it easy.

Be Positive!

Everyone likes when you say good things about their team. No one is really looking for deep insight from anyone at a bar because everyone thinks they know more than everyone else. What you don’t want to do is put yourself in a hole you can’t get out of.

If you say, “Tom Brady sucks!” someone might turn to you and site his three Super Bowl rings, two MVPs, single season TD record, and the fact that he had more wins through his first 100 games than any other quarterback ever as reasons he doesn’t actually suck. Say nice things and people will want to talk to you. We all want to feel good about our teams and ourselves.

Ask Questions!

Guys love being able to rationalize the hours a week they spend on the Internet looking at stats and reading articles on their favorite teams. Throw ‘em a bone. Ask away.

Also, if you are single, it’s a good conversation starter that gets him feeling good about himself, while keeping you engaged in the game.

Have Fun!

Whether you’re cheering, betting, socializing, enjoying a beer or the BBQ, football is fun. It’s a great way to meet people and it’s the perfect excuse for a little weekend extension.

So leave the heels and handbags at home, ladies – it’s Football Season.

This Week In Sports

We are in the midst of the MLB playoffs at the moment.

American League

The Detroit Tigers are giving the favored New York Yankees all they can handle despite neutralizing MVP candidate pitcher Justin Verlander. Their series is tied at 2 games a piece. The deciding game of the 5-game series will be Thursday night with Yankee rookie Ivan Nova facing Detroit mid-season acquisition Doug Fister. The Yankees roughed up Fister in game 1.

The Texas Rangers beat The Tampa Bay Rays in four games after losing game one. The drama of Eva Evan Longoria’s late season heroics sizzled in unmemorable fashion with the exception of Rangers’ 3^rd Baseman, Adrian Beltre’s three HR game.

National League

The Arizona Diamondbacks fight to play another day after Rookie 1^st Baseman Paul Goldschmidt hit a grand slam, powering the Diamondbacks to a 8-1 victory over the Milwaukee Brewers. The Brewers lead the series 2-1 and play in Arizona tonight.

Philadelphia Phillies’ bench player Ben Francisco hit a pinch-hit home run last night to give the heavily favored Phillies a 2-1 series lead over the St. Louis Cardinals.

Football

Sorry, ladies. After last week’s four-interception mess, Tom Brady cut his hair. Gisele’s Brazilian cabana boy is back to looking like the guy that won three Super Bowls. I’ll miss the Bieber jokes.

The defending Super Bowl champion Green Bay Packers put together an offensive performance on Sunday that will keep NFL coaches up all week. Their QB Aaron Rodgers seems to be leading early in the MVP race.

The Dallas Cowboys blew a 17-point lead to the Detroit Lions leading to lots of unwanted attention as the Cowboys head in to their bye week. Tony Romo’s up-and-down play has given birth to the term “Romocoaster.”

Lost in the midst of the collapse was that Detroit is 4-0 for the first time since 1980, eight years before its quarterback, Matthew Stafford, was born.

This has been a weird year thus far as there are really only two teams that stand out as sure things for the playoffs – the New England Patriots and the Packers. And even they both have glaring weaknesses (pass defense).

The Philadelphia Eagles, which had “Dream Team” labels coming into the season, is 1-3. The Pittsburg Steelers were the AFC champions last year but are a mess on the offensive line and their defense looks old.

My team, the Arizona Cardinals, sucks.

I’ll be updating the blog weekly talking about sports, fan-ology, and including some pop culture stuff here and there trying to make it as easy and as fun as possible to be in the loop.

Thanks!